


The A’s have to be straight (Do or die)

by prinz_charlie



Category: The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emma stops her, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, i guess it's a bit of fluff??, it's Emma, someone stop Alyssa from destroying herself, tw: panic attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-26
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-09-26 18:27:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20394181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prinz_charlie/pseuds/prinz_charlie
Summary: TW: Panic Attack!!“Reach for the stars”, she had told her. “Reach for the stars. You are the best, you will always be the best and no one will ever beat you.”The words had been burned into Alyssa’s brain and seemed to draw her deeper into the raging ocean of self-doubts and fears about never being enough every second. With finals only being a few days away and everyone around her slowly becoming insane, everything just added up to be too much.orAlyssa might just need someone to tell her that what she is doing is more than enough.





	The A’s have to be straight (Do or die)

**Author's Note:**

> Just to be sure: TW: Panic Attack
> 
> I had the idea, that Alyssa might be a bit too worried about her grades and completely forgets about taking care of herself and this happened. That's it.
> 
> Title from the song "Alyssa Greene"

“Reach for the stars”, she had told her. “Reach for the stars. You are the best, you will always be the best and no one will ever beat you.”

The words had been burned into Alyssa’s brain and seemed to draw her deeper into the raging ocean of self-doubts and fears about never being enough every second. With finals only being a few days away and everyone around her slowly becoming insane, everything just added up to be too much.

Her so called friends only talked to her when they needed her advice to pass a certain subject. Why was she even keeping them in her life? Yes, Shelby and Kaylee had come around eventually. They were cool with her being a lesbian, but suddenly it seemed as if Alyssa was nothing else to them. Alyssa had been reduced to her sexuality and she couldn’t do anything about it.

“Lys? Is everything alright?”

The sound of her girlfriend’s voice suddenly was the most beautiful sound in the world. She was Alyssa’s anchor, reminding her, that there were still good people in the world. At least she was here. The time they shared outside of school in Emma’s room on her grandmother’s farm remained to be the most wonderful time for Alyssa. Like right now. They had spent the last few hours in Emma’s bed room, studying and preparing for their finals. Every now and then Betsy would come up to check in on them and bring them something to eat, while not so subtly complaining about how schools shouldn’t be allowed to make children study so much.

Emma was now looking at Alyssa with a worried expression, one of her eyebrows slightly raised and a hand reaching out to hold hers. Alyssa gladly took it and smiled weakly.

“Yeah. Just… worried about exams.”

Emma seemed relieved at this answer because Alyssa quickly felt her relaxing again. “You don’t have to worry, I’m sure you’re going to ace all of them”, she smiled encouragingly.

Alyssa nodded hesitantly. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Just… you know, everyone’s going crazy over practically everything, I guess it’s getting to me.” Emma smiled sympathetically and enveloped both of Alyssa’s hands with her own, softly squeezing it, which made Alyssa smile. At least Emma cared.

“Em?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think we could… maybe take a break from studying? Cuddle a bit?” Alyssa really needed some time that wasn’t spend thinking about school for a bit. Emma immediately nodded and stood up, to sit down next to Alyssa on her bed. The girls made themselves comfortable and within minutes Emma had pulled up an old movie on her laptop for them to watch. Emma had wrapped her arms around Alyssa’s torso and pulled her onto her lap, but Alyssa wasn’t complaining. She instantly felt like the weight of the world on her shoulders had been lifted from them and relaxed against her girlfriend.

“We should do this all the time”, she murmured happily.

“You know that I’d be the last to complain about that, but I think your mother would kill me, if she found out that I kept you from studying”, Emma laughed, resting her chin on Alyssa’s shoulder.

Mrs. Greene had come around eventually, even though it had taken her time and Emma had to endure hours of Mrs. Greene lecturing her about what she allowed Alyssa and Emma to do and what she would never tolerate, while Alyssa held her hand under the kitchen table. It had taken her a long time, but Mrs. Greene had never stopped trying to understand and now she had finally reached a point, where she accepted Alyssa. And that was all her daughter had ever asked for.

“She wouldn’t kill you”, Alyssa countered laughing, feeling how her worries dissolved into air at the light conversation with Emma. It was so easy. “Just maybe scare you into not ever meeting up with me when I have to study again.”

“Fair enough”, Emma deadpanned. “I’m sure never seeing you outside of school would be my doom.” Alyssa playfully poked Emma’s arm, turning around so she gazed into her girlfriend’s eyes. Her girlfriend’s beautiful eyes. They were so endless, Alyssa nearly forgot why she had turned around in the first place because she got lost in them. It still stunned her how this happened every time she was searching for comfort. Emma was just a mystery of her own. Another reason why she loved her.

“It wouldn’t be your doom, because I would never let that happen”, Alyssa stated matter-of-factly. She placed a light kiss on Emma’s nose, who wrinkled it in response which made her look even cuter and Alyssa turned around to face the laptop screen again. She chuckled when she felt Emma resting her chin on her shoulder again followed by her whining.

“You don’t get to turn around to face me and then not kiss me properly”, Emma complained, letting out a whine, sounding a bit like a puppy. Only that Emma was way cuter than a puppy to Alyssa.

Alyssa tilted her head, so she was facing her girlfriend again and playfully rolled her eyes. When Emma’s response only consisted of her staring at Alyssa confused, Alyssa brought their lips together, immediately softly biting down on Emma’s bottom lip which earned her a gasp from the other girl. Alyssa smirked and used the split second of surprise to softly part Emma’s lips using her tongue. Just when Emma had gotten over her surprise and started to reciprocate the kiss, her hands holding onto Alyssa’s waist, Alyssa broke the kiss, wearing a dumb grin on her face. “Was that better?”, she asked, pleased with herself.

Emma didn’t respond, her eyes were still closed, and she opened and closed her mouth trying to find words, but nothing came out. Alyssa snickered and leaned back against the blonde again. At least for now the fear of exams was gone.

\-----

A few days later, when Alyssa woke up, she felt an unpleasant itch right under her shoulders. Alyssa knew what it meant – she had experienced it and its consequences before – but instead of letting her head sink into the pillows again, like any other teen would do on a Saturday, she got up and drowsily dragged her feet into the kitchen to make herself some tea. This would be a long day if she wanted to get through all the pages of practice, she had downloaded the night before that would prepare her for her finals, the first of which just so happened to take place the next day.

After the water started boiling Alyssa absentmindedly poured it into the cup she had prepared. Putting the pot with the rest of the water down, she automatically reached for the place where she knew her mother hid cookies. She knew that she shouldn’t be eating them, above all for breakfast, but Alyssa thought that she deserved at least a small reward for all her hard work. What she didn’t expect to happen though, was herself overlooking the pot with the rest of the boiling hot water she had put down seconds ago while reaching for the cookie jar and accidentally burning the back of her forearm. She hissed in pain and silently cursed herself for not being more careful while pouring lukewarm water over her arm. It didn’t relieve the pain but at least it numbed it.

A few minutes later Alyssa was seated at her desk and had pulled up the worksheets on her laptop. Her arm still hurt but she tried her best to ignore it and focused on the task in front of her. She had to make sure she knew everything for the next day. It so happened, that Alyssa didn’t even notice her phone lighting up with the Good Morning text Emma always sent her on the weekends, too invested in repeating formulas she already knew by heart.

\-----

“Jesus Alyssa, what happened to you?” Hearing Kaylee’s judging voice the next day didn’t contribute to making Alyssa feel better in any way. She had spent the whole previous day working until a time she didn't even dare looking at her watch anymore. She didn’t remember how many hours of sleep she had gotten, but if the bags under her eyes were any indication, it couldn’t have been many.

“Studied”, she answered Kaylee’s question, clutching onto her school books a bit harder and leaning against her locker, the itch just right under her shoulder returning at the thought of having to take the final in an hour and the skin the pot had burned yesterday stinging harder. With every passing second her anxiety grew.

“Well, we studied, too, but we don’t look like a zombie”, Shelby retorted closing her locker with a loud noise, that made Alyssa’s head hurt. The sleep deprivation didn’t do her any good.

At the same moment Emma appeared next to Alyssa, smiling at Kaylee and Shelby. They didn’t spend much time together, but whenever they met in the halls, they talked to each other in a casual way to show each other, that they were good. Alyssa was so invested in trying not to fall asleep, that she only noticed her girlfriend, when she put a hand on her shoulder and made her look up.

“Hey, are you ok?” Emma frowned, her expression immediately changing from slight confusion to concern when Alyssa only shook her head in response, too tired to form a sentence. “Come on”, Emma then murmured caringly and took Alyssa’s hand, guiding her through the crowd of students that were all trying to fill up the last gap of knowledge in their brains.

Alyssa only realized that Emma had led her into the band closet, when she closed the door behind them and took Alyssa’s hands. She looked up and saw Emma’s worried countenance, her eyes searching Alyssa for a clue that would tell her, what was wrong.

“Stayed up… studying”, Alyssa eventually mumbled and collapsed into Emma’s arms, as soon as she saw the blonde reaching them out to her, too tired to stand up straight any more. Her arms lazily dangled at her side.

“What happened to your arm?” Emma asked, as she lightly placed her hands on Alyssa’s back and rubbed soothing circles onto it, carefully examining the reddening on Alyssa’s forearm.

“Made tea, burned myself”, Alyssa muttered, leaning onto Emma harder, her limbs growing too heavy for her to carry – like the weight of expectations on her shoulders.

“You’re burning yourself out, Lys”, Emma sighed softly. “Literally.” Alyssa didn’t even bother to disagree, she knew that Emma was right. But she didn’t want to believe the truth, because she still had so many exams to take and couldn’t bear knowing that the way she handled it only destroyed herself. So, instead of responding, she just let her eyes fall closed and rested her head on Emma’s shoulder, who now continued talking in a silent voice. “You don’t have to do this to yourself. No one studies as much as you do already, you don’t have to outdo that just because it’s finals week.”

Alyssa nodded, not quite listening to her girlfriend’s words, her mind already wandering to the exam she would have to take in less than an hour now. The itch under her shoulders returned, much more nerve-racking than before. Alyssa knew that it was only a matter of time until it all would ultimately add up to be too much, but as long as she could continue, she wouldn’t stop.

“You have to take care of yourself”, Emma whispered.

\-----

By the time she had finished the exam, Alyssa had forgotten every single question that she had to answer. The only thing she could think of were the next finals she would have to take. Alyssa couldn’t concentrate on any lesson after the final, too busy not to fall asleep. When her teacher asked her a question and she didn’t know the answer the itch under her shoulder grew incredibly and before she knew it, she found her breath shortening and her hands sweating and shaking. No one noticed, but Alyssa knew that she was on the verge of falling into the deep canyon of a panic attack. The bitter realization, that her body and mind couldn’t take the pressure of always having to be the best couldn’t take it anymore, settled in.

Alyssa cursed herself for not listening to the signs of her body earlier, namely the itch that had bothered her since yesterday, explicitly telling her to stop and take a breath. Emma had been right. She was burning herself out. Only that Alyssa would’ve never thought, that her body would fall into a panic attack this early already, especially because it had been triggered by a simple question from her teacher. But Alyssa knew that this was normal. Too often the small, seemingly irrelevant things, were the final straw to making her fall apart and sending her deep into the storm of her own thoughts.

So, when the bell rang and everyone hurried into the cafeteria to get lunch and complain about the different finals they had taken, Alyssa instead dashed into the opposite direction, seeking shelter in the only room in all of the school, where no one else would look for her: The band closet.

As soon as she closed the door the tears that had started to well up in her eyes made their way down her cheeks, leaving big stains on her Jeans. She sat down on the cold, hard ground, her knees shaking from exhaustion. Her hands shaking vigorously, she reached into her pocket to pull out her phone. She needed help, right now. After entering her pass code for the third time and finally getting it right she pulled up the contact with Emma’s name on it and called her.

When Emma didn’t pick up the panic started to reach Alyssa’s brain, making her feel lost. With trembling fingers, she managed to send a message to Emma, containing two words: Band closet.

And then she was alone with her thoughts.

She hadn’t known the answer to a question. No, it wasn’t just “a question”. It had been the exact question she had already started to prepare for. But suddenly her brain had been empty. It still was. Everything was just too much. Everything she had known bare minutes ago was gone. How would she ever make it through this week? She was screwed. Her mother would lecture her about how she could do and know everything if she just wanted to. But it wasn’t true. Alyssa couldn’t do it anymore. Every day she reached for the stars some more and now she had burned herself touching them. Her forearm ached again. She still felt the hot material of the pot on it, telling her all about just how fragile she was.

Alyssa’s hands shook harder, sobs now escaping her mouth without a chance of holding them back, making her whole body shake. Alyssa started kneading her own hands, in search of something to hold on to. This couldn’t be happening. Anxiously she searched her brain for at least a hint of all the information she had fed it yesterday, but it was gone. Her brain was empty. She couldn’t even remember what she had had for breakfast today.

She kneaded her fingers harder, hoping that it would make her think clearly again, but everything was fogged up. The tears in her eyes blocked her view, what only led to Alyssa drowning more and more in her thoughts, that cruelly reminded her of her failure. All the school would make fun of her. The perfect Alyssa Greene hadn’t known the answer to one of the easiest questions she had ever been asked. She would fail her finals and never get to go to an Ivy League college. All her plans…

Alyssa suddenly felt a warm hand on her shoulder. She looked up, blinking away the tears. But Emma wasn’t standing in front of her anymore, she had kneeled down next to her, reaching out for her hands. “Lys, can you hear me?” Alyssa nodded, ignoring, that she hadn’t even noticed Emma coming in; her body was still shaking with sobs. “Ok, I’m going to take your hands, is that ok?” Alyssa nodded again and felt Emma carefully taking her hands, holding them firmly in her own. “Can you talk?” Alyssa shook her head. Every word had been drawn from her.

“Ok, do you think you can try to breathe for me?” Alyssa shook her head while trying to take a deep breath but being interrupted by a choked sob. “Lys, look up, look at me”, Emma said firmly. Alyssa looked up, promptly meeting Emma’s eyes. “Breathe with me, here…” Emma guided Alyssa’s hand to rest over her heart, “feel my heart beating and now try to breathe with me.”

Alyssa nodded and mimicked Emma’s breathing. When her first attempt was interrupted by a sob, she almost fell back into the panic she had been seconds ago, but Emma reminded her to concentrate so she tried again. And again. After ten minutes of just sitting there in silence and focusing on her breathing Emma let go of Alyssa’s hand and pulled a glass bottle filled with water out of her bag, handing it to her girlfriend.

“Drink”, she advised softly. “You’re going to feel better afterwards.” Alyssa swallowed the lump in her throat and thankfully took the bottle. When she was finished, she wasn’t shaking anymore and only sometimes a silent tear would roll down her cheek. Emma must have sensed that, because she moved closer to Alyssa and wrapped her arms around the brunette, who cuddled closer into her girlfriend’s side, reaching for a hand to hold and hiding her head in Emma’s shoulder.

“Thank you”, Alyssa whispered weakly, when she finally felt like she could talk again.

“Always”, Emma replied, pulling Alyssa a bit closer. “Do you want to talk about it?” Emma’s voice was soft and comforting. Alyssa knew that Emma would never force her into telling her, why she had had the panic attack, but still she felt like telling Emma would ease the situation and maybe even her own worries. So, she nodded and took a breath.

“Mr. Eriksen asked me a question and I didn’t know the answer”, she started slowly. “But the thing is that I knew it yesterday and then suddenly I didn’t know anything anymore and everything I knew yesterday was gone and if I can’t even make it through today, I’m never going to be the valedictorian like my mother wants me to be and everyone will make fun of me.” Alyssa took a deep breath and looked up, leaning her head back against the wall. “And now I realize just how dumb that sounds”, she added embarrassed of herself, a small tear rolling down her cheek.

Emma gently shook her head and stroked Alyssa’s hair back, while softly wiping the single tear away. “It doesn’t sound dumb.”

“I’m just so used to always having to be the best. Just thinking of what my mother would say, if I ever happened to get a B on a test…” Alyssa felt more tears welling up in her eyes at the thought and hid her face in the crook of Emma’s neck again, holding onto the blonde’s hand a bit harder. “I’m just so scared of what everyone will think, I’ve always been perfect, I can’t stop that now, my mother would never accept that. She always pushed me to be the best, I can’t all of a sudden not be perfect anymore.”

Emma let Alyssa continue talking until she fell silent, for what Alyssa was more than thankful. She had to get out everything that had been on her mind for far too long. No wonder she felt like she was drowning. When she was finished, she took a shaky breath. “Thank you”, she breathed out, suddenly feeling empty and exhausted.

Emma placed a soft kiss on Alyssa’s cheek. “Always. But can you please promise me something?”

Alyssa sat up. “Yeah, what?”

“Never burn yourself out like this ever again and then only let me find out about how much you’re struggling by finding you in a band closet on the floor having a panic attack. Breaking yourself is not worth a good grade.” Emma looked at Alyssa with nothing but worry and care. Alyssa swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded.

“Ok.”

With this the girls fell into a comfortable silence, spending the rest of their lunch break in the band closet, Emma offering some of her food to Alyssa, who gladly took it and let out a breath of exhaustion and relief at the same time. She closed her eyes, settling against her girlfriend’s warm embrace. Maybe Emma was right.

**Author's Note:**

> I absolutely didn't project my own worries and fears onto Alyssa, what do you mean? But thanks for reading! Kudos and comments always make me happy and awake the goblin in my brain who makes me write more. 
> 
> Alsoooo: I've got a "Fantasy/Magic and all that shit AU" planned so look out for that


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